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Thursday, April 23, 2009
10:32 PM
Just don't understand
Okay... This is going to be another long post... and I typed this in the midnight, so it is going to be very sad and biased...Sometimes I just don't understand myself... what am I really want? what am I really looking for? I always expect something to be special especially on me! Friendship, result, life and etccc...Well, I don't really care about results as long as it is a pass grade and it is what I deserve on what I done for it. But still, this world... results lead everything. If you have an awesome results, you get everything. If you don't, you are just a FAILURE~! Don't even complain about it, you just don't deserve anything. No matter how hard you do, with a crap result, you are nothing. Well, some of you might said that I have a good result don't you? Err.. Well, when you compared.. is my results really awesome? I would said NO. But it is what I expected from what I have studied, so I am happy with it, just that if miracle could happen, I hope it would be better. Sometimes, I think I just get my results by LUCK, not by my knowledge. Can you imagine, with a break down of ABABC, I end up with A? This is ridiculous... even my teacher was shocked when she looked at the breakdown and commented that I am really lucky. Well, this is actually sad.. I thought I did well for my paper 5, and I was expecting A for it, and I get C?! ><>
Friends? haha sometimes I asked myself, what are friends? who are friends? and why we need friends for? I defined friend as someone that is there when you need them, and take in account of your existence and share happy and sad stuffs with you and someone that understand you. This is how I determined my real friend. Well, there is always fake friend around, don't them? Someone who looks for you when they need something from you and after that, *kaboom* no more contact... and after sometimes, they find you again.. ask you to do something then disappear again... WHAT IS THIS? Only when they need you and make use of you, they remember you. Well, I don't give a damn to this kind of "friendship". And if you're one of them, PLEASE stop approaching me, you're just making me hate you more and don't expect I would do anything for you again.
Sometimes, I am wondering when someone stop contacting you and only when you approach them, they start to talk with you and etcc.. are they really treat you as a friend? It is like they don't even bother to check out how are you now? only till you check out how are them. =/ And maybe you people used to be GOOD FRIEND in the past and just a holiday or a short term break, you people don't even bother to contact. Well, maybe you are just the one concern about how your friend is and they never bother how is yours? So, are you really a friend of them? Or you're just the one bother about this "friendship". HAHA =S
Well I may sound panaroid and think too much in that case, but if you put yourself in my shoe, what do you think? Probably you will think of the same thing. And yea, I am a sensitive and panaroid one.. so yea.. =/
And regarding my life.. I know it is rotting.. really rotting.. I am just gaming and sleeping for the past few months. =/ I know I should at least get a job or do something meaningful BUT I am just too lazy and just want to slack off and enjoy this gap. And after my degree, I am going to work till I am retired and I do get holiday every year but it is way too short for me to relax. SO now is the only time that I can do whatever I want, SO why should I bother to work? HAHA omg.. I am totally useless! a scrub i suppose. =/ Well, I do want to work.. BUT THEN without a degree cert, what work will I be assigned with? Most probably, I will do paperwork, filing, all those rubbish stuffs... and what can I gained from them except the "salary". I need something that I can really learn something out of it and something that really challenging. BUT which company would bother to give such an important task to someone w/o a degree cert and working experience? LOL
These few days, I can't really sleep. Well not because of WOW. I just do alot of thinking when I lied on my bed. There is something really annoy me and I tried to find out the thing. I guess I know what is it but I don't know what can do it for it and should I do anything to it. =/ I fear something would happened again and I DON"T WISH IT to happen =S
Somehow I really want to get myself really drunk and forget about the thing. And sometimes even worst, I wish I could just leave this world and I would never think about it anymore. =/
Well, don't worry too much about me... I am saying that. I will keep myself strong and try to get over it as soon as possible. Oh man.. I really hate myself sometimes =(
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